Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
How is a man like a microwave oven? Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this? " "You're speaking to it."
Q: What would it be a good idea for you to do after a man takes your wife? A: Let him keep her!
Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins." "That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets." The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!"
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does." Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft." Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said, "The postman." Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, "Why the postman?" "Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box."
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Mattel is coming out with a talking Barbie. They say it was easy to get Barbie to talk. The problem was getting Ken to listen.
Bigamy is having one husband too many. Some say monogamy is the same.