Why do elephants squirt water through their noses?
If they squirted it through their tails, it'd be very difficult to aim. 
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What do you call a smart blonde?
A Golden Retriever.
Which rabbits were famous bank robbers?
Bunny and Clyde.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth.
The next day he won the lottery.
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An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!
How do you get a hundred cows in a barn?
You hang up a bingo sign!
Q: Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A: So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
A tiger moth.
On the street strolls a chick dressed with fur from head to toes.
Near hear another chick stops and says to hear:
Do you imagine how many animals they had to kill for this coat?
But do you know with how many animals I had to sleep with for it?