Why do elephants squirt water through their noses?
If they squirted it through their tails, it'd be very difficult to aim. 
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Teacher: "Name five things that contain milk."
Pupil: "Butter, cheese, ice cream … and two cows."
Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay!
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Q:What happened when Smokey the Bear started the forest fire?
A: He got arrested just like you would've.
Yo mama is so hairy, Kingkong got jealous.
How can you tell when a skunk is angry?
It raises a stink.
Q: Why does a dog stay in a shadow.
A: Because it doesn't want to be a Hotdog.
What famous painting do cows love to look at?
The Moona Lisa.
What do you get when you try to cross a pit bull with a computer?
A lot of bites.