Why do elephants squirt water through their noses?
If they squirted it through their tails, it'd be very difficult to aim. 
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A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today"
The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes."
"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.
"I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."
Jesse starts wailing to the vet, "you gotta save my dog, he looks real bad - please you just gotta!"
"There, there Jesse, your dog just has a broken hip he'll be fine in no time.
My fee, of course, will be $1,500."
Jesse starts to wail - "oh, my dog's going to die!!!"
Q: What is red and black?
A: A sunburnt zebra.
How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk?
A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant.
Dogs believe they are human.
Cats believe they are God.
Q: What is a turkey's favorite dessert?
A: Peach gobbler.
Vote:
Pavlov walks into a bar.
The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."
What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses?
If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!
Why did the duck get arrested?
because he was selling quack.
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase.
The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.
So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said: "Zoo or no zoo.
I just gotta see this."