I use camouflage condoms so they cant see me coming.
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Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
Baby, if you were an iPhone 6, I would tap you all day!
Why do guys think more then girls, and why do girls talk more then guys?
Because guys have two heads and girls have two sets of lips.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
A woman came to his doctor with a left knee that was shot through.
The doctor asked her: "What does it mean? Why did you shoot accurately your left knee?"
The woman tells him only: "Sorry, but, you doctor, have told me that the heart is located two thumbs under my left breast."
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Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A: They are both meat substitutes.
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A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"
Lady, how many sex partners have you had?
Three.. oh no, wait... nine - I have forgotten one case.
“Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone, “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
“Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed, “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
“But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”
“Oh crap!” the physician roared, “That means we’ve all got it!”
An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.
When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties.
"Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"
The old man says, "Hell no, woman.
It done ate a hole in your drawers!"