A woman come to a doctor, with bumps and bruising all over her body.
The woman complains that it was her husband, who beat her.
Doctor tells in surprise: "I thought your husband was out of town."
"So did I..."
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My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat.
The women just won’t leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You’re driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?"
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Q: What' is Hillary Clinton favorite movies?
A: Kill BILL 1 and 2.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?
A: He thought his wife was a flake.
Like changing coins - I always desired to change my 60 old years wife to three 20 years girls!
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed.
Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached?
I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg.
Jill wasn't having any of it.
"Do you think I don't like variety?
I wanted poached this morning!"
Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Wife: Because I married the wrong man!
A wife goes on a retreat for work.
When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her.
Furious, she questions her husband.
The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry!"
So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her.
Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't even wear panties just ask your husband!"