Joke #5302

A woman come to a doctor, with bumps and bruising all over her body. The woman complains that it was her husband, who beat her. Doctor tells in surprise: "I thought your husband was out of town." "So did I..."

If you want to drive your wife crazy don’t talk in your sleep, just smile.

How do you know when you honeymoon is over? When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.

They are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.

Marriage is spending the rest of you life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you'd miss them.

Wedding night confession Husband: Before we married, I slept with many prostitutes, Wife: I knew I met you before..

Even the story of Sir Walter Ralegh confirms that he put his brand new coat over bumps with mud for his wife to cross it. Why? Because he was on sea for 15 months and he desperately wanted to have sex. No normal man that is well in his brains would do this to his expensive coat.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

A man finds a genie lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double." The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife 2 new cars. The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife 2 new houses. The man then says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten to half-death."

“A happy marriage is nothing but a give and take relationship; the husband gives and the wife takes.”

Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives. The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door." The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones." The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a d**k."