A woman is learning how to golf.
She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad.
She decides to consult a golf pro.
When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball.
She does.
The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right.
The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."
When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club".
When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing.
"She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards."
The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem. How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"
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Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Chuck Norris hit a home run in a football game.
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What does NBA stand for Niggas Boucing Around.
A teacher walks into her classroom and turns to the children and says, Today kids im going to ask you what job your daddy has!
She turns to the first child and says, What job dose your daddy have tina??
She replies; he is a carpenter miss.
The teacher turns to the next child and repeats the question...the child says he is the head of a multi-organic food chain.
Very good indeed says miss..........she turns to the next child and says.
What job does your daddy have Robert??
He replies... He's a male prostitute miss; and demands 50 quid.
No,No,No your lying to me Robert i can tell!
Ok then miss you got me i confess.........................................
HE PLAYS RUGBY FOR ENGLAND BUT IM TO ASHAMED TO SAY!!!
Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A: In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Why did the football coach flood the pitch?
Because he wanted to bring on the sub!
Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell.
Petrus says: You see Bill, we don't know what to do with you.
You may choose "heaven" or "hell".
Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting around at a table.
Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling.
So Bill says : I am a gambling man, I want to go to hell!
Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire.
So Bill says : hey, what the hell is this, I saw all the gambling, the women, and sex?
The devil says: 'That was just a demo version."
A soccer coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said: "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.
So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks: "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered: "I think... no... yes... I’m not sure... what about 4?"
"Did you say 4?" the smiled coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming: "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
Chuck Norris can won the winter Olympics...
In the summer.
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A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the local Rugby match and Dad can't find the tickets.
Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there."
Bobby: "No probs, Dad."
Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium.
Bobby: "Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them."