One day Stan comes home from a hard day at work. He sees his wife bending down to clean the floor under the sofa. So Stan goes over to his wife and starts fucking her from behind. After he finishes, he gives her a hard smack to the head. His wife yells, ''What was that for!?'' To which Stan replies, ''That's for not checking to see who it was.''
Chuck Norris was banned from the Olympics because his mere presence is considered a performance-enhancing substance.
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Chuck Norris got a homerun in bowling.
Chuck Norris won gold for sitting in the crowd at the olympics.
There was a competition of arm wrestling between Chuck Norris and Superman. And guess what, the loser had to wear his undies over his pants!
A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered. But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own. "No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened." After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3. "What!!!!" said a furious Josh Kronfeld, "How did you let them get three points??!" Jonah replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."
A man comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Joseph in the games anymore. The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?" "Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife. "Well," says the husband, "neither would Joseph."
Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? All the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the USA.
Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell. Petrus says: You see Bill, we don't know what to do with you. You may choose "heaven" or "hell". Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting around at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling. So Bill says : I am a gambling man, I want to go to hell! Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire. So Bill says : hey, what the hell is this, I saw all the gambling, the women, and sex? The devil says: 'That was just a demo version."