"Waiter, these noodles are a bit crunchy."
Waiter: "That's because they're the chopsticks, sir."
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Did you hear the NFL is changing the color off the football to green?
Yeah, you ever hear of a black person droping a watermelon?
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Q: Why is horse racing so romantic?
A: Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
Chuck norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund
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Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool;
Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat – next to Michael.
‘Who does that seat belong to?’ asked the person in the next seat.
‘My wife usually sits there.’ Michael replied.
‘But why isn’t she here?’ the neighbor persisted
‘She died.’ Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.
‘So why didn’t you give the ticket to one of your friends?’
‘They’ve all gone to the funeral.’ said Michael.
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
The stock market really plummeted today, but luckily there is a computer chip that is used to turn off the board if it gets too low.
The Cubs have the same chip in there scoreboard.
The other day was Take Your Daughter To Work day.
The Cubs had a fun time, played a little scrimmage against their daughters.
Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.
Golfer: "My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me!"
Caddy: "I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir!"
Q: What's the difference between hockey player and hippie girl?
A: Hockey player will take shower after 3 periods.
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A college freshman decided to try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed.
Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman.
He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach.
"But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.
"Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."