Joke #5725

Wife says to husband, "You make love like you decorate." Husband replies, "What very slow and professional?" "NO,"she replies, "I have to finish the job myself."
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A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, "Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; H*ndjob: 20.00." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the h*ndjobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "Indeed I am." The man replies, "Well, go and wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"
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My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day. She showed it to me, and it was BDSM. She asked me "What we should do?" Me: "Probably not spank him." She belted me with the magazine. Now I know where he gets it from.
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boy: spell "me" girl: M-E boy: but you forgot the D girl: there's no D in me boy: not yet ;)
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Q: Why was the dirty old man fired from the poultry shop? A: He couldn't keep his hands off the breasts and thighs.
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Q: Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted? A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather. A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
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Dad: "Who do you think the committee screwed this year?" Me: "Mom."
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Hey guys. Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Thank me later.
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He came into my room late at night. He sat over my body, He sucked, swallowed and he left. It was terrible. It was a BLOODY MOSQUITO!
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A black third grader goes to his mom and asks, '"Mom, I have the biggest dick in the third grade. Is that because I'm black?" And she responds, "No nigga, it's because you're nineteen!"
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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. “Do you have health insurance?” she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.” The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.” Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun. He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.” The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.” The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
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