What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?
In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.
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One day a fellow came into the bar with a cat, not just any cat, but a mean-looking ginger tom.
You could see the scars from across the room.
But that wasn't the weirdest thing; a six-foot ostrich - eyes like golf balls, followed them in - a real live ostrich!
I asked the man what he wanted.
"I'll have a pint of bitter," he said.
"A pint of lager for the ostrich and a gin and tonic for the cat."
The cat hissed at him.
"Make that a double gin and tonic. Thanks."
Well, I served the drinks, he paid, and they all knocked 'em back.
Wasn't long before the ostrich came back to the bar, and made it clear that it wanted the same again.
Well, I poured them.
I could feel the cat's eyes burning through me as if he was checking that he got his double again.
I took the drinks over to them, and the man paid, taking the cash from a purse tied around the ostrich's neck.
This went on for a couple of hours.
The man and the ostrich buying alternate rounds, while the cat just sat on the window shelf with his drink, looking fit to kill.
The whole place got quiet.
People sat and stared, and who could blame them?
Eventually, I plucked up the courage to ask the fellow just what was going on.
"Can't a man have a quiet drink anymore?" he rasped.
So I said, "No harm meant, but you've got to admit that you're a unique set of drinkers.
He smiled, but there was no light in that smile.
"Okay, you want to know? I'll tell you."
"I was across town the other week, working on the new road. Amid the dirt and the rubble, I turned up this old brass lamp. I rubbed it, thinking there might be a date or inscription or something. Anyway, out comes this cloud of smoke and a Genie appeared. You know - turban, scimitar, and the whole works. And he tells me I've got just one wish."
"And before you ask, yes, I did wish for a long-legged bird with a tight pussy. But this wasn't what I had in mind."
Q: What's long and hard and full of semen?
A: A submarine.
Q: Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
Vote:
A rich 40 year-old American woman decided to get married, but she wanted her husband to be a virgin and to never had been with a woman all of his life.
After some years of pointless searching, she didn’t found anyone with this description and forced to give an ad to the paper.
A month later, she met with an Australian man who had never been with a woman before in his life and she married him immediately.
On the first night of their wedding and before they lay down, she went for a quick fresh up and then went back to the bedroom, happy.
When she entered the room she stood steal...
She saw her husband naked to the center of the room and all the furniture on the corner of the room.
"But.. What happened?" asked the woman obviously shocked.
"Look.. I’ve never been with a woman, but if it’s the same as with the kangaroo, then I’ll need the whole room to catch you!"
Yo mama's like a library, she's open to the public.
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says, "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says, "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" she looks at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples?"
"DO IT!"
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well," so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey its not that hard."
One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"
A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied.
"Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"