A bloke asks his mate "do you ever talk to your wife during sex ?"
His mate replies "yeah, if she calls." 
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Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.
Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit.
Friend: Ok I can see it...
Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there.
Friend: Uh-huh.. I'm likin' this.
Me: Ok. So she walks in front of you, takes her pants off.
She's not wearing any underwear.. And then she sits on you.
Friend: Oh-ho-hoo.. Whatta' naughty girl.
Me: Yeah, ok. Don't get dirty on me. So she's sitting on you.
And then... she starting shitting in you.
Right then and there, you find out you're a toilet.
Friend: I hate you...
Three men are sitting at a campfire telling stories about their great endeavors.
The first man talked about how to sucked out the venom of a snake and sucked it up with 50 degree alcohol.
The second man called it a circus trick as he has gotten 3 gunshots towards the chest and he but the guns in half.
They looked at the third guy wanting to hear his story.
Only to see him stroking his cock with the glowing hot coals.
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Laura?
A man calls 911 emergency: " Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!"
After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It is ok, I found another one."
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do.
Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
If you're feeling down, I can feel you up.
Little gay Johnny asks Billy, "If you went camping and woke up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?
Billy says, "No way, that'd be embarassing".
Johnny then asks, "Wanna go camping?"
Q: Why do vegetarians give good head?
A: Beause they're used to eating nuts.
Lady, how many sex partners have you had?
Three.. oh no, wait... nine - I have forgotten one case.
Q: Who did little Johnny see when he snuck into the church late one night?
A: Pastor Bedtime.
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