Ben asks his new girlfriend for a hand job.
"Ive never done that" she says, "what do I do ?"
"Well" replies Ben, "remember when you were a kid and you'd shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it ... that's what you do."
She nods, so he pulls his manhood out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A minute later, he has tears running down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears.
She asks 'Whats wrong ?'
Ben cries "TAKE YOUR FUCKING THUMB OFF THE END!" 
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I have asked my mamma: "Mamma, why do we have 10 cock birds but only 1 hen?"
Mama has said to me: "Because I want that she has a better life than I had."
Q: What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
A: "Just flush it like everybody else does."
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Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can’t keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
A boss has to fire one of 2 workers, Jack and Jill.
However, Both Jack and Jill are skilled workers and he is finding it really, really difficult to pick.
So after their shifts, Jack goes home before Jill does, and the boss goes over to Jill just before she gets into her car.
He informs her of his dilemma.
"Hey Jill, I have a problem."
"Ok Boss, what is it?" she asks
"I Can't decide whether to lay you or Jack off, what would you suggest?"
"Well, you'd better get the vasoline, i'm going home!"
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Getting married is like buying a dishwasher.
You'll never have to do it by hand again.
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A willy is like a tree in your 20's its like a rock hard oak.
In your 30's & 40's its like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After your 50's its like a xmas tree, dead from the roots up & the balls are just there for decoration.
Success is like pregnancy.
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
I told my crush at school, "If you love me, come wearing red tomorrow."
The next day she came in wearing black!
When she dropped her pen and she bent over to pick it up, I got a look up her skirt at her red thong.
Moral of the story: she really loves me underneath it all.
Q: What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?
A: A brunette with bad breath.