Joke #581

My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."

The lesbians next door bought me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...

Bully: Your dick is probably like a tic tac. Geek: No wonder your mom's mouth is so fresh. Class: Oooooohhhh!

Tow millipedes went for honey moon. The male one asked: "My darling, between which feet is your pussy, please?"

Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church... everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.

Q: Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks? A: Better traction.

A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit. The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed. The motician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing. His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit. She gives the blonde mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, "Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made. She says to the mortician, "You have done a magnificent job and I'm very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?" To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque. "There's no charge," she says. "No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!" she says. "Honestly," the blonde says, "It cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good..." "So I just swapped their heads."

What do you say to a virgin? Thanks for nothing!

How do you make a woman scream twice in the bedroom? Fuck her in the ass then wipe your dick on the curtains.

I'm no weather man, but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has ever seen a ghost?” Most of the hands go up. “And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?” About half the hands stay up. “Okay, now how many of you have had *physical* contact with a ghost?” Three hands stay up; there’s a slight murmur in the crowd. “Gosh, that’s pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh…, been *intimate* with a ghost?” One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. “Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you’ve actually had *sexual* contact with a ghost?” The fellow suddenly blushes and says, “Oh, I’m sorry,… I thought you said goat!”