My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."
Once upon a time, there was a king who thought that his officers were going to try to have sex with his queen. So he made all of his officers put on tight pants and told them that if anyone got a boner their head would be chopped off. So he lined them up and the queen came to the first one and took off her gown. He got a boner, so that was the end of him. Then she came to the next one and took off her gown, he got a boner and that was the end of him. This went on until she came to the last one and took off gown, then her underthings and he didn't get a boner. So she took off his clothes and started rolling on the floor with him, half an hour went by, then an hour, finally after two hours the king came in to see what was happening and as soon as the king came in the guy got a boner.
Sometimes I wish I was a bird: I would fly over certain people and shit on their heads.
What is the same with spreading butter on a toast and getting a woman to spread her legs? It is possible with a credit card, but much easier with a knife.
Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!
Tow millipedes went for honey moon. The male one asked: "My darling, between which feet is your pussy, please?"
Q: What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? A: Snap-on tools!
Q: Why the men's voice is louder than women? A: men have an antenna!
A man walks into his office box on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor. it reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?" Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!" Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor. Expecting an apology he opens the e-mail. It reads, "Want to buy some?"
What's long, hard, and shoots sticky white stuff? A penis. What were you thinking you clean minded bastard.
A couple was having an argument, and the man was losing badly. After 5 minutes the woman won the argument proving the man to be stupid, the man sadly says "If my proof falls then I rome through the halls." Then the woman leaves for 10 minutes and comes back starts giving him a blowjob. The man is confused and says "what are you doing?" She said "If I prove you dumb I give ya some." The man continues to lose a argument knowing he will get a blowjob after 10 minutes, and he did. Years later they have a kid but none of them want him so they have an argument of who takes care of it and the other leaves for good. The man without a thought loses the argument the get another blowjob, but after the argument the woman starts rapping "Yo yo guess who's the kid, not me so suck yourself bitch." Before she leaves the he says "what about the blowjob?" She says ask my twin sister that has herpes cause she did it the whole time.