Joke #5863

My Girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday. So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.

Q: Why are jelly beans alot like the world? A: Because everyone hates the black ones.

What happened when a cannibal went on a self-catering holiday? He ate himself.

Q: What's the slowest thing on 80 wheels? A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.

Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A: A pedophile.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

Q: What do you call a flying Jew? A: Ashes.

W: Where did Lucy go during the bombing? A: Everywhere.

Chuck Norris was hungry so he went to eat a hotdog. When he saw it giggled and said: "What a bad luck! Look what a part of a dog I've to eat!"

Don't make 9/11 jokes, my dad died at the twin towers. The best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.