Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
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Why did Hitler committed a suicide? He received the bill from Gazprom.
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Whats the difference between a jew camp and a summer camp?
The kids come back.
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A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.
Suddenly, Lorraine died.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
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Q: What is the difference between baby and knitting?
A: Knitting is weaved by two needles and one ball, but the baby has been made with one needle and two balls!
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These two guys are riding in a convertible down a road in the desert, the road runs alongside a railroad as they are driving, as they are driving a train goes past, on the train a guy is on the train, clutching his stomach and grunting, his buddy leans over, and asks him,
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
The guy replies, "I gotta shit real bad, and I can't reach the bathroom in time!"
His buddy tells him "Hang your ass out the window, and let it fly."
The guy hangs his ass out the window and the shi t flies back and hits the convertible.
The guys in the convertible say "Damn, that guy on the train spit tobacco on us!"
The guy asks his friend "Hey, pull over when the train stops and we'll find this guy and kick his ass".
After he finishes talking the guy driving the car slows down.
His friend says "Why are you slowing down, don't you wanna beat this guy up."
His friend says "No!"
The other guy says "Why".
His friend says, "Number one, that is some of the stinkiest tobacco I've ever smelled, and number two, did you see the jaws on that son of a bitch!"
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Two cannibals were having lunch.
"Your wife makes a great soup," said one to the other.
"Yes!" agreed the first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."
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Q: How do you make a dog go ‘miaow’?
A: Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw…
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What's red and crawls up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
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Why is there always hot water at childbirth?
In case of a stillbirth, soup.
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My dad was a complicated man.
He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know?
Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black — that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
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