Q: Where do one-legged people eat?
A: IHOP. 
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What do you call 100 niggers on the bottom of the sea?
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He was on a diet!
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Hitler got a heart attack when he saw the gas bill.
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Me: "Here comes the airplane!"
Baby: Opens mouth.
Me: "OH NO! It's the Taliban!" Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon. "KA-BOOM"
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My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104.
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My dad was a complicated man.
He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know?
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My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering "Chun Yu Yan" over and over – and then died.
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When you were in the gang then, you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough.
Someone started talking about fighting -- 'No, man, I've got to go home.'
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I just ended a long-term relationship today.
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