I got in trouble during high school for masturbating in the showers. Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.
Q: How do you fit 60,000 Jews in a minivan? A: With a dustpan.
Me: "Here comes the airplane!" Baby: Opens mouth. Me: "OH NO! It's the Taliban!" Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon. "KA-BOOM"
Q: How do you make a cat go ‘woof’? A: Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.
Q: What's the best thing about ISIS jokes? A: The execution.
First cannibal: "I can't find anything to eat!" Second cannibal: "But the jungle's full of people." First cannibal: "Yes, but they're all very unsavory."
Q: Why did cow cross road? A: To find to the udder side.
Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?" St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common? A: They aren't much to look at but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.
Patient: "Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?" Doctor: "That is what I want to find out myself."