So a little kid and a child molester start walking into a forest.
They keep walking for what seems like hours, and it gets darker and darker and darker, and the forest gets deeper and deeper and deeper.
The kid turns to the child molester and he says "Gee mister, it sure is scary out here!"
The child molester says "How do you think I feel, kid? I'm gonna have to walk out of this forest by myself!"
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A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.
Lorraine dies suddenly.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
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A dead puppy!
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Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches.
Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
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I just ended a long-term relationship today.
I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.
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My dad was a complicated man.
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Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.
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My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.
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Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
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Since it started to rain, my wife can't stop looking through the window.
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What's got four wheels, smokes and squeals?
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Q: Why do you put babies into a blender feet first?
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