Joke #2834

Don't break anybody's heart - they have only one. Break their bones - they have 206.

Q: How do you make a dog go ‘miaow’? A: Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw…

What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her "Where are your parents?" and she started crying even more. Man, I love working at the orphanage.

"If I could be someone for one day I would be Justin Beiber and run off a cliff"

*Wakes up to wife and son screaming* Me: "What are you guys yelling about?" Them: "You're driving!"

A Mexican, white guy, and a black guy all go to hell and the devil told them that if they can walk across his hand without burning in flames, then he will give them a second life on earth. The white guy was really confident...first step, he caught a fire a disappeared. The Mexican, nervously toke the first step and noticed that he wasn't dead, he took a couple more steps and disappeared. The black guy started walking and made it all the way across without burning to flames. Satan was shocked and asked him how he did it and the black guy replied "chocolate melts in your mouth not your hands"

I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me. I mean, what the shit happened on the ninth of November anyway?

I got in trouble for telling a joke in 5th grade. Now I have to keep 250 feet away from all schools...

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

Q: Why did the cannibal tax auditor get disciplined? A: For buttering up her clients.