I sent my young son to pick up ice cream, I handed him some money and a coupon.
Later he came home with the ice cream and the coupon.
When I asked him what happened, he replied, “Mom I had enough money.
I didn’t need the coupon.”
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Q: How did the hail stone describe its life?
A: It really has a lot of ups and downs.
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Why can't cinderella get in the basketball team?
Because she keeps running away from the ball.
There was an old married couple who love each other very much.
But each morning as he was waking up the husband let out a huge nasty wet fart with his wife right in the bed next to him.
The wife always says "One day you're going to fart your guts out if you don't stop."
Then one day the wife snapped she won't take it anymore and she got up extra early when downstairs and got the guts out of a turkey and put it in the bed behind.
She went back downstairs to wait and then she heard the loud disgusting fart all the way down the stairs and then she hears nothing for a long while.
Just as she's about to go upstairs and check on her husband he comes stomping down the steps and he says "Honey you were right after I get my guts out but with the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to shove them back up there again."
Q: What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
A: A pecking order.
Chuck Norris doesn't buy life insurance, life buys Chuck insurance.
Vote:
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.