What do you do if an epileptic falls in your pool?
Throw in your laundry.
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Q: What was Hitler's favorite drink?
A: Concentrated jews.
My grandfather can no longer do the things he loved to do as a teenager.
Flying planes, bombing Germans...
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Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!
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"My parachute did not work."
Said no one ever.
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Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car.
It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
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Q: Why doesn't Mexico have any teams competing in the Olympics?
A: Because all of the Mexicans that can run, swim, and jump have left the country.
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A bunch of new recruits are making their first parachute jump.
The sergeant gives instructions: "After you jump out of the plane, count slowly to 10.
Your parachute will automatically open.
If it doesn't, pull the emergency cord.
When you get to the drop zone, there'll be trucks waiting to take you back to the base.
Move out!"
As scared as they are, they all make it out the door.
The last recruit jumps out and slowly counts to 10 -- nothing.
He frantically fumbles around and finds the emergency handle.
He jerks on the cord, and it comes off in his hand.
Raising his head to the heavens, he screams, "I bet them trucks ain't waiting either!!"
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What's pink and chunky?
A baby with leprosy.
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What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.
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In order to help jump-start the U.S. economy, the INS has announced that this year they will stop focusing on illegal aliens, and begin the deportation of retired people.
It's predicted that this will not only help lower health care entitlement costs, but it turns out that retirees are much easier to catch.
Plus, they rarely can remember how to get back home.
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