What do you do if an epileptic falls in your pool?
Throw in your laundry.
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I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
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Why would the cannibal only eat babies?
He was on a diet!
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One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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What’s the difference between a dead baby and an onion.
You don’t cry when you chop up a dead baby.
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"If I could be someone for one day I would be Justin Beiber and run off a cliff"
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What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.
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Q: Where did OP go in the explosion?
A: Everywhere.
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"Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?"
"Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."
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Don't break anybody's heart - they have only one.
Break their bones - they have 206.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
I'm Mr, Farter.
Mr, Farter who?
I've brought some insecticides to give to your mother in law!
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