Joke #639

Is it just me, or do alligators always look like they are in the middle of a push-up?
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has 28.11 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: animal

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A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!" The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says, "Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!" The man say's to the bartender, "oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have." The bartender replied back, "well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!" The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar. The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks! The bartender was amazed and says, "alright lets try one more". This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says "lets see him play this!" The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile. The bartender shouted out " See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments!" And the man replies, "Just give him a few more minutes... as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it, he'll play it!"
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has 63.17 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: animal
Chuck Norris could stab you with a worm.
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has 37.61 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.
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has 69.72 % from 240 votes. More jokes about: animal, fish, time
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
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has 80.71 % from 5727 votes. More jokes about: animal, doctor, love, sex
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says: "Dam"
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has 67.78 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: animal, fish
What do you get if you cross a steer and a chicken? Roost beef.
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has 60.56 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: animal, food
The reason we are human is because Chuck roundhouse kicked a monkey into a higher species.
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Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? A: Of course, a house doesn't jump at all.
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has 68.72 % from 68 votes. More jokes about: animal
Why do police dogs lick their balls? To get the taste of Nigger out their mouths.
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has 32.84 % from 137 votes. More jokes about: animal, cop, dog, racist
Q: What animal has the most kids. A: A sperm whale.
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has 67.89 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: animal, dirty, kids