Joke #5839

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out." "Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible". The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

One day a fellow came into the bar with a cat, not just any cat, but a mean-looking ginger tom. You could see the scars from across the room. But that wasn't the weirdest thing; a six-foot ostrich - eyes like golf balls, followed them in - a real live ostrich! I asked the man what he wanted. "I'll have a pint of bitter," he said. "A pint of lager for the ostrich and a gin and tonic for the cat." The cat hissed at him. "Make that a double gin and tonic. Thanks." Well, I served the drinks, he paid, and they all knocked 'em back. Wasn't long before the ostrich came back to the bar, and made it clear that it wanted the same again. Well, I poured them. I could feel the cat's eyes burning through me as if he was checking that he got his double again. I took the drinks over to them, and the man paid, taking the cash from a purse tied around the ostrich's neck. This went on for a couple of hours. The man and the ostrich buying alternate rounds, while the cat just sat on the window shelf with his drink, looking fit to kill. The whole place got quiet. People sat and stared, and who could blame them? Eventually, I plucked up the courage to ask the fellow just what was going on. "Can't a man have a quiet drink anymore?" he rasped. So I said, "No harm meant, but you've got to admit that you're a unique set of drinkers. He smiled, but there was no light in that smile. "Okay, you want to know? I'll tell you." "I was across town the other week, working on the new road. Amid the dirt and the rubble, I turned up this old brass lamp. I rubbed it, thinking there might be a date or inscription or something. Anyway, out comes this cloud of smoke and a Genie appeared. You know - turban, scimitar, and the whole works. And he tells me I've got just one wish." "And before you ask, yes, I did wish for a long-legged bird with a tight pussy. But this wasn't what I had in mind."

I've some bread dough in my pants. Wanna see if it rises?

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!" Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk. If you want it harder, you say tomato. If you want it faster, you say lettuce, and if you want to moan you say any other ingredients that would be on a sandwich." So they're up on the top bunk having sex, and she's yelling "Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce! Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!" Well the little brother is still on the bottom bunk and yells "Hey can you guys knock it off, your getting Mayonnaise all over me!!!"

Don't ever let your girl talk to another guy about her problems; a shoulder to cry on, becomes a dick to ride on.

Two kids were talking together. First: "My daddy is so tall that he can touch the clouds in the sky with his hands." Second: "That is excellent. Does your daddy touch something soft and downy?" First: "Yes, of course." Second: "Those are my daddy's testicles."

Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume? A: Because they're ugly and they stink.

A total naked woman rushed in a taxi. The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly. The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a naked woman?" The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."

A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniverserys are the next day. Poor man, "What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversery?" Rich man, "I got her a pink farrari and a diamond ring." Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?" Rich man, "She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car... " The poor, "Man nodds in agreement." Rich man, "What did you get your wife?" Poor man, "I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a dildo." Rich man, "Why did you choose those gifts?" Poor man, " Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go f*uck herself."