A snail and a slug got in a crash.
When the police, ambulances and news reporters arrived, a reporter asked a tortoise what happened.
He replied: "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
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Q. How do rednecks have safe sex?
A. They mark the sheep that kick!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Two cows were talking in the field.
One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn"t it?"
If it walks like a duck, talks lidek a duck, and smell like a duck but Chuck Norris says it's a girrafe. It's a damn girrafe!
Vote:
What do you call a flying skunk?
A smellicopter.
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.
Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunk.
Q: Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
A: Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say: "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Tom was walking down the street when he sees a funeral procession.
At the head was the casket, behind was a man walking a very large dog and behind him were 300 people.
Tom walks over to the guy with the dog and asks who’s funeral is this?
The man answers, “My mother-in-law’s.”
Tom wishes his condolences and asks, “She must of been a very important person, but what’s with the dog?”
He answers, “This is the dog that killed her!”
So Tom asks, “can I borrow the dog for an hour?”
He responds, “Get on line!”