Q: How many sheep do you need to make a sweater? A: I don’t know. I didn’t think sheep could knit!
Have you seen the offices of the RSPCA? It’s tiny; you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him. When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.
Is Snoop serious? Or is Snoop Lion?
A cowboy rode up to the saloon, dismounted from his horse, and dusted himself off. He then walked around to the rear of his horse, lifted the tail and kissed it right on the rectum. As the cowboy walked into the saloon, the shocked barkeeper asked, "Did you just kiss your horse's butt?" The cowboy said, "Sure, I've got chapped lips." The stunned barkeep asked if this was an old Indian cure. The cowboy said, "Nope. But, sure as s**t, it keeps me from licking my lips!"
A blind man with an assistance dog was getting ready to cross the street. When the dog took him across he almost got ran over by the traffic and the cars where sliding everywhere to avoid hitting him. When he got to the other side, he took out a treat to give to the dog. A spectator who saw what happened couldn't believe his eyes. He ran over to the blind man and said, "Sir, why are you rewarding that dog, he almost got you killed?" The blind man replied, "I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"
Chuck Norris doesn't get shark attacked, the shark gets Chuck Norris attacked.
A drunk guy took a cat home to his wife and said: "See... here is the a monkey of the jungle." His wife said laughing, "That's a CAT ..." He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"
"Waiter, what is this hare doing in my salad?" "I believe he's eating your lettuce."
What did one skunk say to another? And so do you.
Three tortoises, Tinku, Teku and Toku, went into a restaurant. Each of them ordered a large ice cream sundae. They were waiting for their order when they noticed that it was pouring with rain outside. "We are going to need our umbrellas," said Toku. Tinku agreed. They both decided that Teku should run home to get the umbrellas, but he didn't want to go in case they ate his ice-cream while he was away. But Toku and Tinku promised that they would do nothing of the kind, so Teku set off. One week went by and Teku did not return. Two weeks went by and still he did not appear. Halfway through the third week, Tinku turned to Toku and said, "Come on, let's eat his ice cream." "Okay, let's," said Toku. Just then Teku's voice piped up from under the next table, "If you do, I won't go for that umbrella!"