Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other?
A: Together, we can stop this sh*t.
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Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
A: The big hand touches the little one.
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There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out.
The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.
When she walked out of the room her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"
"I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!"
The man agreed and went into his room.
Soon he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string.
The woman said, "You're going out as that?"
"Yes," said the old man. "If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."
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A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top.
She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.
Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."
The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."
Q: Whats the height of desperation?
A: A vampire sucking blood from a sanitary napkin.
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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don't open the door.
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Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks.
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Why can't girls play hockey?
Because their pads can't last three periods.
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A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home.
The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.
After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up.
Again, she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back to put her upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
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Another name for a vagina is a cockpit
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Q: What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A: You push them both aside when you eat.
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