Why are contipated folks unkind and rude? Cause they don't give a crap!
A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says: "I can not proceed in this way." And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say: "We can not proceed in this way." And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say: "We can not proceed in this way." And they dig up the woman.
Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
What's red and lies in all four corners of the room? A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.
What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long? A runny bunny.
I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door. He said, "Can I see your ticket please?" "Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shit!" He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?" "No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."
A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar the friends obviously ask why he is late and he responds: "Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and suddenly I see a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks." The friends are curious and ask: "Well, what happened next?" The guy says: "Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her." The friends are cheering and one friend asks: "Soo... did you get any head?" The guy says: "No, I couldn't find it..."
Q: Who is brave? A: He who has diarrhea and wants to fart!
How do you make stew out of a leper? Put him in a Jacuzzi and turn it on full.
Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.