Why are contipated folks unkind and rude?
Cause they don't give a crap!
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An old woman goes to the doctor's office.
The doctor gives her a checkup and says, "I need to do stool, blood and urine tests."
The woman says, "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."
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Q: Why are men like diapers?
A: They are always on your ass and full of sh*t, and thankfully, they're disposable.
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Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
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I dont understand why people say sex is good in the shower.
How do you guys not get your laptop wet?
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Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
A: The big hand touches the little one.
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Q: What do you call a Shih-Tzu mixed with a poodle?
A: A Shih-Tzpoo.
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Silence is golden.
Unless you have an infant.
Then its probably blue.
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Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick it up and suck it's dick.
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A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby.
The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me."
"Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man.
"No way, you're disgusting, go away."
The homeless man turns and starts walking away.
The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?"
The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."
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Q: What has two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a cat.
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