Why are contipated folks unkind and rude? Cause they don't give a crap!
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
Q: What's red, sits in front of a mirror, and gets smaller and smaller? A: A vain idiot combing his hair with a potato peeler.
Q: How do you know that a dead body found by the side of the road is a nurse? A: Because its stomach is empty, its bladder is full, and its ass chewed!
How do you make stew out of a leper? Put him in a Jacuzzi and turn it on full.
Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar? They are both stuck up cunts.
Q: Why do you put babies into a blender feet first? A: So you can see the look in their eyes when you turn it on!
A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell. A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name." "You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay." So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!" "Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."
An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?" "About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies. The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"
Why did the zombie baby cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken.
What did the mother vampire say to her daughter when she picked up a tampon? "Honey, no in-between meal snacks!"