A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
Why do they bury lawyers in 20ft holes? Because deep down they’re all really nice guys.
A lawyer was asked if he likes to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.
An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer.
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their accomplice. To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!" The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
Question: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? Answer: His lips begin to move.
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.