Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”
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The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests.
A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer.
"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.
"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.
When this had been provided:
"Now give me a quart of whiskey."
Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:
"Now show me the cellar."
An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store.
His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted:
"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"
A man takes his wife to the stock show.
They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.
They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year.
That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.”
The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one.”
The man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow.”
Question: What do you get when you cross a shark and a parrot?
Answer: a creature that talks your ear off.
One day a man heard knocking at his door.
He opened the door only to see a small snail sitting there smiling.
The guy picked the snail up and threw it as far as he possibly could.
Three years later he heard knocking at the door again.
He opened the door to see the snail.
The snail said, "What the hell was that all about?"
Vote:
A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets.
He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details.
Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?
Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games.
- Good monkey, it's worth the money.
He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant.
"What does this monkey know?"
"It knows Linux, Unix, Corel and Autocad."
"Nice, even I don't know those things."
On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$.
The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details.
"And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?"
"I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!"
Vote:
Cow: "Why don't you shoo those flies?"
Bull: "I ll let them go barefoot!"
Everybody knows that Chuck Norris can't shoot a bow even though he got 5 bullseyes in a row.
The only reason he got the bullseye is that his arrows know better than to miss.
Vote:
A man enters a little country store and sees a sign reading, ‘Danger!
Beware of Dog’.
He then sees an old hound dog lying asleep on the floor.
‘Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?’ says the man to the shopkeeper.
‘Yep,’ replies the shopkeeper.
‘Before I posted that sign, everyone kept tripping over him.’
Q: What do you get when 100 rabbits stand in a row and 99 take a step back?
A: A receding hare line.