Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, “Tsquare, do your stuff.”
T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?”
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
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Three mice in a pub having a bevy discussing who's the hardest.
1st mouse says I'm the hardest I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down i bench press it 30 times and throw it across the room!
2nd mouse says : you poof! I get rat poison' crush it into powder and snort it.
3rd mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks to the door, where are you going? asked the other 2.
Home he replied to shag the cat!
Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy.
The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, “I think we’re in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?”
This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, “I’ve got an idea. We’ll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours.”
The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, “Oh no, I can’t tell whose puppy is whose. They’ve pulled the ribbons off while they were playing.”
“OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart,” says the second blonde.
After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.
Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, “Oh no, I can’t tell whose puppy is whose. They’ve pulled their collars off while they were playing.”
“There’s got to be some way to tell them apart,” says the second blonde.
After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, “I know! Why don’t you take the black one and I’ll take the white one!”
What do you call a rabbit who works in a bakery?
A yeaster bunny.
What is the definition of "derange"?
De place where de cowboys ride.
How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
Who robs banks and squirts ink?
Billy the Squid.
What do dinosaurs put on their floors?
Rep-tiles.
What is a Zebra?
A Z-bra is 25 sizes bigger than an A-bra.
A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks.
He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?”
The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel ready for them.”
The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me”.
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn’t control his sexual angst any longer.
He barked to his Sergeant: “BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain’s quarters.
Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.
“So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?” he asked.
The Sergeant replied, “Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town.”