A guy was going to Texas and when he went on the train he said, "Ohh my god Texas chairs are really big." He went to a bar he asked for a bear and when the bar tender gave him the mug of bear the guy said, "Wooww Texas mugs are really big." Later he asked the bar tender were is the bathroom and the bar tender said, "Strait on your right." But the guy went on his left and when he entered the room he slipped and feel in the swimming pool and said, "Don't flush don't flush!"
Ones the bus was full of people. A man looks at a lovely girl, she looks at him, he smiled, she did so, he told her get off at the next station, she did, he took her place.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. So if you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Something Special For His Birthday It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker. The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!" Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?" "I'm yours for super sex," she answers. So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I'll have the soup."
A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standingright behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
What is a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.
What does a man make best for dinner? Reservations.
What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it. B. Penicillin.
A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!" A second man walks into the same bar. You would think after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it coming.
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed: "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I...? A microwave?