An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESNT'T EXIST.
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Waiter: "I’ve stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog’s leg."
Customer: "Don’t tell me your problems. Give the menu card."
Sherlock Holmes dies and goes to Heaven.
There is a brouhaha.
Sherlock Holmes asks St. Peter what seems to be the problem.
Apparently, Adam has gone 'walkabout' among all the souls.
It will take ages to find him. Holmes tracks down Adam, very quickly.
The Lord asks Holmes how he recognized Adam among the millions of souls, without ever having met him.
"Elementary, my dear God, he has no navel."
A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."
What are two things a black man can't get in a fist fight.
A black eye, and a swollen lip.
Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:
- A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
- You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
- You won't get arrested for picking up coffee on the street at 3 a.m.
- You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
- You can get cup after cup of different coffees all day long.
- No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
- Coffee doesn't talk to you.
- Most coffee is hot, unless you request it otherwise.
- Coffee stains are easier to remove.
- Coffee is ready in 10 minutes or less.
- When coffee gets cold, you can throw it away.
- When you drink coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.
- Coffee doesn't take up half your bed and all the hot water.
An elderly couple are in church.
The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart.
What should I do?"
The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
Birthdays are good for your health.
Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.
I couldn't understand why it hurts a lot when you bite your tongue accidentally, but it doesn't hurt when you bite it intentionally, and what I couldn't understand most is why you're biting your tongue right now?!
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."