What's small, and red, and full of holes? A baby on a bed of nails.
"Hey Jaeger, are you enjoying that apple?" "Sure, why do you ask." "I was going to offer you some toast." "How kind of... I'll accept." "Great, but what's toast without any butter Jaeger." "You're right about that!" "Well give me a few seconds, let me go scrape some off of your mother's teeth!"
A man jumps off a building at the same time that another man pisses. Which hits the ground first? The piss, because nobody beats the Wiz!
Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay church? A: Only half the congregation is kneeling.
Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself. Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!" Kris replies, "I think you'd have to pet him first."
Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with herpes? A: The guy who gave it to him.
What is the sharpest thing in the world? A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.
I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door. He said, "Can I see your ticket please?" "Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shit!" He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?" "No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."
At a rally John McCain was asked if he wore boxers or briefs. He replied, "Depends."
One roomate said to another, “Man, this morning I woke up with white crud around my mouth!” The other roomate said, “Oh, that's my fault, I guess I missed!”
What’s the difference between a dead baby and an onion. You don’t cry when you chop up a dead baby.