Q: Why is the old, worn out horse named Flattery?
A: Because it gets you nowhere.
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Q: What would you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A: A snake in the brass.
What do cows read at the breakfast table?
The moospaper.
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law.
The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary.
The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, "Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves."
Q: What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?
A: An alarm cluck!
Q: What did the seal say when found nuts in the sea?
A: "Look I found deep nuts."
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Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"
The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."
The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy back wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
What did the rabbit bride get on her wedding day?
A forty-carrot wedding ring.