"Mommy, Mommy! Where have all your scabs gone?" "Shut up and eat your corn flakes."
Do you know what would be sick? If you sat in Santa's lap and you felt him get a boner. Do you know what would be even worse? If he stood up and you were still sitting in his lap.
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?" The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."
Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm? A: "How are we supposed to find an egg in all this sh*t?"
Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's? Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you. Boy Monster: Is it still beating?
So that there be less strife May your dreams be sweet And your ass does not tweet tonight.
Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart? A: You are the wind beneath my wings.
Q: What did the fool do with his first 50 cent piece? A: He Married Her
What's grosser than gross? When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall. What's grosser than that? When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends how hard you throw them.
One roomate said to another, “Man, this morning I woke up with white crud around my mouth!” The other roomate said, “Oh, that's my fault, I guess I missed!”