Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole.
He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open.
And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in.
Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state.
But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior.
The friend listened and suggested, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways.”
The wife thought this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner.
And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door.
She quickly opened it and let Harry in.
Instead of beating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room.
She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off.
Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.
After a short while, she whispered to Harry, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”
Harry replied in his inebriated state, “Heck, I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”
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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye."
The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!"
So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away.
He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye."
Now the bartender becomes really skeptical.
She says, "I just saw you walk in here you can't be blind!"
So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye.
The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
Tom is walking home from the pub late one night when he takes a short cut across a cow field.
Halfway across he drops his hat.
He has to try on fifty others before he finds it again.
He drank like a fish.
Which would have been okay if he’d drunk what the fish drinks.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom`s the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweee-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, your drunk!!
Hahahahaha wot a fucking LAUGH!
How do barmen surf the web?
On the Gin-ternet.
Vote:
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work.
If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss to allow alcohol.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator.
The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!"
So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!"
So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth.
He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it.
A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"
An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."
A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final atempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".