Joke #7195

Q: What's the difference between a brown-noser and a sh*thead? A: Depth perception.

Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms? A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? It's ass.

Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple? A: Finding half a worm."

Q: Did you hear about the leper poker game? A: One guy threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear. She said, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!" The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time, he figured he'd better look into it. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me sir, could I help you?" The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..." The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!"

A drunk sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest. She was very good at identifying the wine. At the first taste she says: "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed. At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed. Then the drunk pisses in a glass and hands it to her. She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like piss!" And the drunk says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"

What did the mother vampire say to her daughter when she picked up a tampon? "Honey, no in-between meal snacks!"

I see, said the blind man, peeing into the wind. It's all coming back to me now.

Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself. Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!" Kris replies, "I think you'd have to pet him first."

What’s harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree? Nailing it to a dead puppy.