How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself. 
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How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays", was fifth.
I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it
Q: Why do men fart louder than women?
A: because they have a microphone and two speakers.
What did Barack Obama become after his forty-seventh year?
"Forty-eight years old."
A guy has a talking dog.
He brings it to a talent scout.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
"Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds.
"All dogs go ‘roof’."
"No, wait," the guy says.
He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough!" the dog answers.
The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare.
He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says.
"This one will amaze you.
" He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
Men are like buses.
They have spare tires and smell funny.
Q: What is the difference between a puppy and a man?
A: Eventually the puppy will grow up and stop whining.