Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
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What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
How can you tell if a man is lying?
You can see his lips moving.
What does a man make best for dinner?
Reservations.
This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed."
One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?"
The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"
"Lisa, why are you so angry with me?"
"Because I'm Christine."
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
Ladies and Gentlemen, if there is anybody here who is feeling, worried, nervous or apprehensive it is probably because you just married John.
Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
10 things men don't say
1)Let's watch Lifetime.
2)Sex is overrated.
3)I don't want to go too far on the first date.
4)Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.
5)Don't we owe your mother a visit?
6)I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.
7)Dessert goes right to my hips.
8)I hate when I miss Oprah.
9)Does this suit make me look fat?
10)I'll never get tired of listening to Dido.
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