Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence. 
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What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days
Ladies and Gentlemen, if there is anybody here who is feeling, worried, nervous or apprehensive it is probably because you just married John.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Man walks over to a lady in a bar and asks "whats your name ?"
"Carmen" she replies,... "I like cars and men ! Whats yours ?"
The man looks her up and down and sayes "Beerpussy ..."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'
What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin.