What did the male squirrel say when the female attacked him...
Get away from my nuts.
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A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog.
He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.
"But I'm not an American," the man says.
"What are you then?" asks the mother.
"I'm an Iranian," the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.
A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.
''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack.
May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog.
''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form.
''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer.
''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer.
''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure.
Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''
Yo' Mama is so fat, the hippos at the zoo get jealous of her figure.
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
An elephant goes to a camel and says why have you got a pair of tits on your back, the camel then replies that's a funny question coming from someone with a dick on their face.
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.
What are cows favorite party games?
MOO-sical chairs.
A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian.
"Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him.
"How do I do that?" he asked.
"Carefully," replied the vet.
What did one skunk say to another?
And so do you.