Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?
A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
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One day a guy and a girl were making out in her parents' bedroom, and it was getting pretty steamy.
All of a sudden, the guy takes out his shlong and places it in her hand.
She screams and runs downstairs, through the kitchen, through the living room, the bathroom, the dining room, back upstairs, through her bedroom, her bathroom, her sister's bedroom, down the hall and back into her parents' bedroom.
"Listen, pal! I have two words for you -- DROP DEAD!"
"I have two words for you -- LET GO!"
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What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan?
Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.
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What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas ?
Cancer.
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Q: What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?
A: Inserting the anchovies
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One night as a bartender is closing up his bar, he hears a knock at the back door.
When he opens the door, there stands a bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?"
The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up his bar.
Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the door.
Again, there stands another bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?"
The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up the bar.
Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the back door.
This time, there's a bum asking for a straw.
The owner gives him a straw, but finally asks what's going on out there.
The bum replies, "Some lady threw up in the back, but all the good stuff is gone."
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A couple walked into the supermarket.
They looked confused, so a clerk walked up to them and asked them what they wanted.
The couple asked for a couple of lottery tickets.
He gave the tickets to them, and they paid for them.
The husband looked confused again.
He asked the clerk, “What the hell do I do with these damn things?”
The clerk replied, “Well, you're supposed to scratch the box and see if you've won anything.”
The wife looked disgusted. "Oh please," she muttered.
"What?" asked the clerk.
"Oh nothing," she answered, "it's just that, well, he's been scratching down there for years, and he ain't won a damn thing."
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Cannibal Son: Mom, I don't like my brother anymore.
Cannibal Mother: You shut up and eat!
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Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
A: The big hand touches the little one.
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An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table.
Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body.
When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt.
Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's butt.
Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place.
He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!"
Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."
When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.
Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"
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What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
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