Joke #6956

A man goes into a psychiatric hospital to visit one of his buddies. As he is walking out he notices a guy pretending to be swinging a hockey stick. Curious, he asks: "What are you doing?" The guy replies: "I'm Wayne Gretzky, and I'm practicing my shot." Satisfied with the answer the visitor moves on down the hall. He notices another guy pretending to be playing golf. Curious, he asks: "What are you doing?" The guy replies: "I'm Tiger woods and I'm practicing my golf." Satisfied with this response the visitor again moves on down the hall. He then sees another guy sitting in a chair in the nude with a jar of peanuts beside him. This guy takes a peanut, places it on his dick, waits a minute, then flicks into his mouth. Again, curious he asks: "What are you doing?" The guy replies: "I'M FUCKING NUTS!"

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window. After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

A demon died and was asked by god what he wanted to become in his next life. The demon said "I wish to become good in my next life. I want to be as pure and white as an angel and also have angel wings... But I still want to drink blood." So god turned him into a maxi pad.

Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.

Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandma's house and found her laying in bed. Little Red Riding Hood said, "Grandma, what big eyes you have!" Grandma: "The better to see you with, my dear." Little Red Riding Hood: "Grandma, what big ears you have!" Grandma: "The better to hear you with, my dear." Little Red Riding Hood: "Grandma, what a big mouth you have!" Grandma: "Of course I do, have you seen Grandpa's d**k?!"

Once there was a little boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, "Mommy, I have to piss." The mother said, "Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite." The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom. He told his father, "Daddy I have to whisper." The father said, "OK. Here, whisper in my ear."

At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy is laying sprawled out on the road, seemingly stone dead. The rescue workers are all around him, but can do nothing to resuscitate him. Suddenly, a young woman in a short miniskirt forces her way through the crowd. "Let me at him, I can help him," she says. "What can you do?" ask the rescue people. "We've tried everything to revive him, and it's too late." "I can," says the woman. "Stand back!" And she promptly takes off her panties, and crouches with her crotch over the man's face. Suddenly, the man coughs, splutters, and sits up. "What did you do?" ask the rescue people, amazed. The woman says, "Blood Transfusion."

Q: What's the difference between a freezer and a fag? A: A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Q: Why did the cowboy have sh*t in his mustache? A: Cuz he'd been lookin for love in all the wrong places.

Another name for a vagina is a cockpit

To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland": Dog tags ring, are you listening'? In the lane, snow is glistening. It's yellow, not white I've been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland. Smell that tree? That's my fragrance. It's a sign for wandering vagrants; "Avoid where I pee, it's my property. Marked up as my winter wonderland." In the meadow dad will build a snowman, following the classical design. Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man, So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine! Straight from me to the fence post, flows my natural incense boast, "Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth, I mark it as my winter wonderland."