A man goes into a psychiatric hospital to visit one of his buddies. As he is walking out he notices a guy pretending to be swinging a hockey stick. Curious, he asks: "What are you doing?" The guy replies: "I'm Wayne Gretzky, and I'm practicing my shot." Satisfied with the answer the visitor moves on down the hall. He notices another guy pretending to be playing golf. Curious, he asks: "What are you doing?" The guy replies: "I'm Tiger woods and I'm practicing my golf." Satisfied with this response the visitor again moves on down the hall. He then sees another guy sitting in a chair in the nude with a jar of peanuts beside him. This guy takes a peanut, places it on his dick, waits a minute, then flicks into his mouth. Again, curious he asks: "What are you doing?" The guy replies: "I'M FUCKING NUTS!"
A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery. As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!" "No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead."
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets? A: He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog. After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
A cowboy rides in the desert and comes upon a Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm finding out the time -- it is 12:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and thinks, "Wow, it really is 12:15." The cowboy continues and sees another Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm seeing what time it is -- it is 3:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and that is the correct time. The cowboy continues and finds a third Native American lying naked on the ground, masturbating. The cowboy asks what he's doing and he replies, "I'm winding my watch."
What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common? They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
Yo mama so damn short, she uses salt shaker as a toilet.
There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing. One day, the man fell in love and got married. After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman. "Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along." "And what if I don't want to come along?" the woman asked impatiently. "Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex." With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering. "God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more." In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog. It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex. She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already. She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm. "Have you made your decision?" he asked "Yes," she replied. "I do not want to go fishing." True to his word, the man pulled down his pants. "By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up." "I know," the man said. "He didn't want to go either."
A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!" Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table. "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
Little cowboy runs into a Bar shouting angerly "WHO's the lousy varmint that painted my horse green?" A big cowboy sidles up to him and says "I DID.. want to complain to me?" "No," says the little guy "just wanted you to know that the first coat is dry!"