My penis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out.
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Q: Why did the lumber truck stop?
A: To let the lumber jack off.
There were three women sitting at a bar, talking about how loose they were.
One woman said that her husband could fit his arm in up to his elbow.
The next woman said her man could fit his leg in up to his knee.
The last woman just slid over the bar stool.
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
Whats the difference between a coffin and a condom?
One you go in the other you come in!
A man comes home and tells his wife to tell him something that is going to laugh and cry.
Wife thinks for a minute and says... "of all your friends you have the biggest dick."
Two friends who had not seen each other for awhile met at a bar.
"Hey, your wife just had a birthday recently, didn't she? Did you get her anything special?"
"Yeah, I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
"A pair of slippers and a dildo?"
"Yeah, I said 'If you don't like the slippers, you can go fuck yourself.' "
A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"
What's the difference between a mosquito and a woman?
When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.
Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.
Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit.
Friend: Ok I can see it...
Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there.
Friend: Uh-huh.. I'm likin' this.
Me: Ok. So she walks in front of you, takes her pants off.
She's not wearing any underwear.. And then she sits on you.
Friend: Oh-ho-hoo.. Whatta' naughty girl.
Me: Yeah, ok. Don't get dirty on me. So she's sitting on you.
And then... she starting shitting in you. Right then and there, you find out you're a toilet.
Friend: I hate you...
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