Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
A: The lid said, "Twist to open."
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Q: If a horses foot covers 2 acres of land, what will his tail cover?
A: His ass!
One day a man heard knocking at his door.
He opened the door only to see a small snail sitting there smiling.
The guy picked the snail up and threw it as far as he possibly could.
Three years later he heard knocking at the door again.
He opened the door to see the snail.
The snail said, "What the hell was that all about?"
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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yep, that they do.
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What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper?
A Brontosnorus.
Mother to little boy: ‘Stop pulling the cat’s tail.’
Boy: ‘I’m not.
I’m just holding it.
It’s the cat that’s doing the pulling.’
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever.
Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it...
What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?
Rhesus Pieces.
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