Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
A: The lid said, "Twist to open."
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Chuck Norris created the platypus by roundhouse kicking a duck at a beaver.
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Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm."
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How do elephants hide in the jungle?
Paint their balls red and pretend they are cherries!
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Monkeys eating cherries...
A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act.
He doesn’t have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop.
There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale.
The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: “This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn’t have any legs, but he is very smart.”
The man asks, “If he doesn’t have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?”
“He holds on with his dick.” the clerk answered.
The man asks ” How much?”
“Since he doesn’t have any legs, I’ll sell him to you for fifty bucks.”
The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home.
He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work.
So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual.
When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day.
The parrot begins, “At eight o’clock this morning the mailman came….”
Interrupting the man asks, “Yeah and what happened?”
“he came in the house…”
Furiously, the man asked “And then”
“…and then he came into the bedroom…”
Astounded the man impatiently asks, “What happened next?”
“He began to take off his clothes and she hers…” “What happened after that!”
The parrot then replied, “I don’t know I sprung a boner and fell off!”
Q: What do you get when you cross a collie with a trumpet?
A: A Lassie who plays brassie!
A policeman caught a mischievous little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.
"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, innocent creature I shall personally do to you."
"In that case," said the boy, "I'll give it lots of chocolates as well as all my money and let it go."
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
A worm gets out from cherry compote and, after he stretches a little, says satisfied:
I love sauna!
Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.
One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?"
The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"