Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork? So you can tell which ones are still alive.
Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons? A: They're a bunch of no bodies!
Patient: "Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?" Doctor: "Use a pencil till I come to see your son."
Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones? Because they're hand made.
Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A: A pedophile.
Why did Beyonce sing 'to the left', 'to the left'? Because black people have no rights...
I was walking down the street to a video store last night to rent a porno movie when I saw a woman being raped. Saved myself a fiver.
Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside. "Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade." "Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
"Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?" "Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole? Stick a javelin through it's head.