Q: What did the sergeant tomato say to the slacker soldier tomato?
A: "You better catch up!"
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Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.
A blonde goes horseback riding for the first time in her life, she's never had any prior lessons or training.
As soon as her bottom hits the saddle, the horse gallops away.
Immediately the girl realizes she's not in the saddle correctly and she does everything she can to stay on the horse, she pulls on the horse's mane, she grabs the saddle ... but she realizes it's no use.
Finally she decides the best thing to do is to jump clear of the horse but as she does this, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is dragged by the horse.
Her head is hitting the ground ... thump ... thump ... thump ... over and over again.
Just as she is about to lose consciousness ..... the store manager runs out and unplugs the horse!
Vote:
If you're under the age of 25 and you think your life sucks then you better brace yourself....
Life has only given you the TIP of its Dildo.
Recently, I've been using the Bible for support.
I've got a wobbly coffee table.
Imagine that ur in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you.
What do you do?
U stop imagining...
Mohan (to the doctor): "Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?"
Doctor: "Your eyesight seems to be poor."
Mohan: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
Doctor: "You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital."
The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?”.
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly, “Another doctor”.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale...
A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then he sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"