What's the rudest type of Elf? The GofuckyoursElf.
Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple. Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby, and set to work. Nine months later, the fruits of their labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why they hadn't parented a black baby. Realizing that John was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked, "Is your d*ck at least a foot long?" John had to admit that it was not. "And is it at least four inches wide?" Once more John replied in the negative. "Well, man, there's your problem!" the guy slapped him on the back. "You let in too much light!"
Rudolph the well hung reindeer, Had a great enormous cock, All he could ever do with it, was beat it off inside a sock, All of the female reindeer, Had pussies that were just too small, Poor old well hung Rudolph, Could not get any sex at all, Then one horny Christmas eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your cock so strong... Fuck my arsehole all night long!" Then all the reindeer loved him, A few of them were heard to say, "Rudolph the well hung reindeer... You're so lucky Santa's gay"
Q: Why do walruses love a tupperware party? A: They're always on the lookout for a tight seal.
What is the same with spreading butter on a toast and getting a woman to spread her legs? It is possible with a credit card, but much easier with a knife.
Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols." "Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?" Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year!"
Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? A: Because they can. Q: So why do they stick their noses in women's crotches? A: Same reason.
How are Justin Bieber and a Christmas tree similar? Both their balls are decoration only.
Daughter: Dad, this guy told me the sweetest thing ever. Me: What's that hunny? Daughter: He said I had nice bumper lights, and a nice trunk. Me: Tell that niggie if he fills up your gas tank, I'll break his exhaust pipe, ya dig?
I had to get an Xbox controller tattooed on my vagina. So my boyfriend would play with me for a change.
A son is discussing funeral arrangements with his dying mother. ‘Would you like to be buried or cremated?’ asks the son. The mother replies, ‘I don’t know. Surprise me.’