What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull?
A steak-out.
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Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage.
Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry.
Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days.
Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below.
As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist.
One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."
What's a moo hoo for the sound you hear when a cow spits?
A cud thud.
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third fucking rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story?
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
What gives milk and has a horn?
A milk tank.
What do cows usually fly around in?
Helicowpters and Bulloons.
This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy.
They see two dogs going at it.
The little kid says "Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?"
The father says "Ahh, they're making a puppy."
That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddy's on top driving it home to mama!
The little kid says "Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?"
He says "Oh, were making it a baby."
The kid say "Turn her over, I want a puppy!"
How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table.
Find heavy pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses?
If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!
Piranhas in the aquarium: sink your finger, lose your finger-game!
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