What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A zebra with a drum kit.
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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned:
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied:
"That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
Chuck Norris could stab you with a worm.
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Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
“Mister, why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” asked the young lady from a nearby city.
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ‘em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”
Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is dog.
The second is snake.
And under snake, the encyclopedia says See Lawyer.
I have asked my mamma: "Mamma, why do we have 10 cock birds but only 1 hen?"
Mama has said to me: "Because I want that she has a better life than I had."
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
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A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law.
The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary.
The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, "Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves."
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."