Doctors son: "Well, dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines of success." Doctor father: "Always, write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly."
Q: What sports team is the least safe around children? A: The Nashville Predators.
Happy Father's Day! I got you a present but if you want to get technical then technically you bought it. By the way, can I borrow $20?
Happy Father's Day to a dad who was smart enough to teach me how to mow the lawn so he would't have to.
Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child,"No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
Little Johnny and Mary were standing at the beach in their bathing suits. Johnny says to Mary, hey you show me yours and I'll show you mine. Mary says ok, and drops her bathing suit the same time as Johnie. He look and gasps you don't got one of these, but Mary laughs and says Yea, but with one of these I can get as many of those I want.
There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand. It being hot and him being thirsty, he decided to stop. Once he got up to the little boy's stand, he noticed a sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents," and a single, very small glass. Well, he thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway. He gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. He slapped the glass back onto the table and said, "fill 'er up." The kid replieds, "Sure thing, that'll be 10 cents." To this the business man said, "But your sign says all you can drink for a dime." "It is," the little boy replies, "That's all you can drink for a dime."
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Nurse: "If youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half." Me: [visibly confused] Wife: "The grapes, not the baby."
Yo mama so nasty that when she goes to the universal studios children follow her shouting "Shrek! Shrek!"