A kid asks his father: Kid: Daddy why do i have to go to bed? Dad: Because the bed wont come to you.
At a poor-side of Athens, a kid were on the street and was playing. A cop who was crossing around that street, saw him and asked him: "What are you doing there kiddo?" "I’m playing..." "What are you playing?" "Oh, well... I collect sand, I pour some water in and I add then some poop and I’m making little weaklings!" "What kind of weaklings?" "Cops..." The cop, furious, slaps the kid and screams: "Get the hell away from here and run to your house! I never wanna see you wondering around here." For the next two days, the kid didn’t show up. The third day, the kid was on the same spot, playing. The cop, saw him again and approached the kid. "What are you doing there?" "I’m playing..." "What?" "Oh, well... I collect sand, then pour some water in and I’m making little weaklings." "Congratulations! enthusiastic said the cop. And what kind of weaklings you’re making there?" "Firefighters...!" "So, how come you’re not putting any poop on them as well?" "Cause, whenever I do, they come out cops...!"
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hm. Well, where do you catch 'em?" "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."
A man and his wife agreed on a code to use in front of their kids when they want to have s*x. The code is: "Making a call." One day the man ask his son to tell his mother, that dad wants to make a phone call. The boy returns to his dad, that mom says she is out of order. Then he ask him to tell her, that dad will go outside to make a phone call. The boy returns, that mom says, "If you do so, she will open a central telephone station in the house."
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
A young girl with a bag is crossing the customs. Customs officers check her bag and find some kind of powder. They ask the girl: "What kind of powder is that?" "Heroin" "But heroin is matte-white, and this powder is orange." "This is a kids' heroine – orange taste."
Mary's father has 5 daughters, 1. Nana 2. Nono 3. Nini 4. Nene What is the fifth daughters name?
A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office. Under "Number of children," she wrote "10," and where it said "List names of children," she wrote "Leroy." When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out: "Now here where it says "List names of children," you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children." "Dey all named Leroy," said the black woman. "That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker. "Oh, den I uses the last names."
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?" The mother said, "Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess." So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."
Happy Father's Day to someone who knew long before me that all the boys I brought home were jerks.